What to do?

Well if you don't wanna hear me whine, you might wanna skip this post. But I need someone to talk to or vent to but I don't so I just decided to let it out in a post.....

So lately I have been feeling a little depressed....ok a lot depressed. It started a little while ago when I found out that someone was opening a photo studio here in Blackfoot. I’m not depressed that they opened it - I am depressed because I had an opportunity to buy the building where Moose Hotdogs was and put a studio there and rent out the half of the building which would almost pay for the monthly payments. Aaron bugged me about it for a few weeks and we even took a look at the building and were so close to doing it - But you see many of you might not know this about me but - I have a very low self-esteem, I don't have confidence in myself. I was so afraid that I decided just to keep my little photo business small and low-key. I was fine with it because I was still pretty busy without the big business hassle. So now that I see people - around my age - doing my dream, it got me a little depressed.

And my brother Tim pointed out to me that tons of people are starting to do their own home photography business like I have been doing for years. And I just started to notice that. It’s like everyone and their dog is starting their own photography business….. This means there is less of a need for me! I didn’t know that a photography business what that easy to start! But I guess it is since everyone is doing it!

So that was the starter of my little depression spiral...

Than I had a couple that called me to do their wedding...almost a month ago - they asked me to send a price list and they were going to let me know if they wanted to book me. I told them I needed some notice and a down payment (since I have been burned a lot with out down payments - I’m to darn nice) in order to hold the date....well their friend who gave them my number told me that they had called it off so I didn't worry about calling them back. Well I guess the wedding within a week was called back on and the guy called me Wen. and asked if I was still photographing their wedding......well since I never got a down payment and I never got a definite yes, I booked the date for someone else. Yeah he wasn't too happy about that. And he let me know........BOY did he let me know!!! What was I to do - I never got a definite yes or down payment! So after he hung up on me - but not before he threatened me that he was going to let everyone know what I did to him!

Aaron's right I am not a business person at all - I take things so personal.

Than I did two baby sessions last week that I have been trying to edit for a week and I spend hours and hours editing - that's the part no one sees how much work this hobby can be - on average you can spend up to 8 hours editing one session, and a wedding takes twice as much, but maybe it's just me because I like things perfect (only photography work - my house it a disaster area!) Anyways Austin has been so whinny lately that I haven't been able to get things done during the day and when Aaron gets home at night he is so worn out from work he pretty much eats and goes to sleep.... So I spend many nights working on my photos until 4 in the morning. It really drains you but what can I do. I hate asking people to watch my kid, I mean I don't have a real job and I am a stay at home mom....I should be able to handle this - RIGHT? I don’t' know what I'd do without my in-laws. Danee and Jan are so wonderful they help out a lot with Austin and I appreciate it so much!

It just makes me more depressed that I can’t handle my life right now. My house has been a complete disaster for the past month, I get so grouchy with Austin, Aaron seems like he can’t stand to be around me, I can’t stand to be around myself right now!

But I am just thinking why am I doing this....for something I used to totally love and have a passion for photography- I am now starting to struggle with it. It's like Heavenly Father is trying to tell me something! Maybe this isn't what I am supposed to do.... Something that you love this much, shouldn't make you this depressed should it?

So this is what I am struggling with.

And most of you know that while I was photographing a senior session Friday night my camera stopped working. So I feel like that is another mark against my photography. Frustration is all I feel right now.

Well I feel a little better now that I vented, but I haven’t come to a decision yet. I feel like I am at a crossroad right now. Do I push my photography? Do I go back to school for something more “practical”? Do I get a “real job”? Do I really want to put my kid in daycare?